My life is taking a turn. What it all means practically will emerge and be dutifully explored in short order, but for now I want to explain how it feels. Ready for an extended Led Zeppelin allegory?
From Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913):
Levee Lev"ee, v. t.
To keep within a channel by means of levees; as, to levee a
river. [U. S.]
Yeah. Here we go.
If it keeps on raining, the levee's gonna break
I'm unemployed. "Involuntary Termination: Reducting in force/Layoff." It was bound to happen sooner or later, and to be honest it's not all that bad. I'm relishing the freedom, looking foward to having my life back, and working on unpacking the learning on bureaucratic maneuvering I should absorb out of all of this. Time to revisit the Art of War, as Peter always told me to do.
I'm a hired gun again, with which I'm pretty comfortable. Still, the whole way it went down was unpleasant and draining. This one's optimistic, but forsooth I need a little time and mouthwash before I can really dig into anything with a fair mind.
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay
Something new will come along shortly, I'm sure, but for now it's austerity time: three meals at home, sit down with Excel and make a budget, start looking for cheap ways to stay entertained and engaged, start looking for gigs. Lucky(?) for all y'all that probably means a lot more blogging (here and elsewhere), and lucky(?) for some other people out there I'm free to ramble around like a busy bee, cross polinating and making honey as I may.
Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home
It came down to a relationship analogy. I wanted to be in love or I wanted to break up, so we broke up. Maybe there will be some consulting. That's cool. I enjoy dating, and conversation is one of my favorite ways to pass the time. But I'm not going to be in a relationship I don't believe in, and especially not one where I feel I'm in some sense being abused.
That being said, I didn't handle any of it especially well. Others fucked up royally, but I blew it as well; lots to learn about how to try to make change from within an organization going forward. I feel especially bad as I may have cost some other people their jobs as well, though this remains to be seen. Hopefully everyone will come out a winner.
Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move
Crises precipitate change. Crisis is opportunity. Mamma, you got to move. There are a lot of things I care about in this world, a lot of things I'd like to get done. I was doing some of them this past year, but a lot of the time I felt like I was fighting with one hand behind my back, in an ill-fitting suit (even though I didn't have to wear one); working against the current or something. I was cozy up next to some powerful folks for a while, and I made a lot of new connections, allies, friends even... but the way it was going wasn't really how I wanted to flow. It wasn't entirely True, which gets my dander up. Idealist and optimise me, always asking, "why not the best?"
It's messier this way, sure, but maybe it's the only way things could happen. For me, that seems to be the case. Again, my biggest regret has to do with other people who might have caught some mean wake off this move, or that the organization might capsize. The latter is unlikely -- too much value there to squander -- but I worry that my own exit has made it difficult or impossible for other people to reconcile their situations.
All last night sat on the levee and moaned,
Thinkin' about me baby and my happy home
There are tradeoffs in life; choices, decisions, two roads diverged in a yellow wood. But I've read Faust. I don't want to make that bargan. Faust got fucked, you know? His compromise was perminant, and you can't sell your soul for tomorrow's good time and expect it all to work out. Ask a crackhead, or Kenneth Lay for that matter. It's not how I operate.
In the end the repulsive force was getting stronger and the attractive force was getting weaker. We broke up, me and Music For America. We're still going to be friends, but I'm out again, looking for the right fit.
So in the mean time I get control over my life and my words back. Expect a flood of repressed confessional content. Expect plans and proclimations. Expect reorganization, ground-breaking, unfettered imagination. Expect more of the best. I'm going to be happy.
For now I'm off to welcome my main man Mark back to these United States from a lengthy stay in Chile. More later. Stand strong.