Last night was a blur; nothing happening made me get wilder and wilder with progressive intoxication. Hopefully no one was hurt in the making of the evening. I can't rightly remember. This used to happen more often; now its once in a blue moon. Today is carnival in the Mission. My mother has a bionic eye. My father hasn't been returning my emails. My pa is reveling in a second life:
When you consider that this guy had a formative impact on my development as a kid, everything makes a little more sense.
So I'm ok. I have a hangover, and I'm trying to make it a good one. You know, lazy, slow and reflective. I realized in college that one of the reasons I enjoy drinking to excess is that in addition to slowing my overactive rational mind during the experience it forces me to move slowly the day after.
Today I'm kind of melancholy and horny at the same time, a strange combination, but one which isn't all that out of the ordinary for me now that I think about it. I believe in the transcendent capacity of the physical, which includes sex, and so whatever hormonal lust I have tends to be augmented with more spiritual yearnings. This can make for really good experiences in bed, but it also means that I sometimes go looking for something that isn't there, especially when I reach out in need. Marvin Gaye wrote a couple songs about this kind of thing. Also lately I'm not really "in my body" as we'd say back in theater school. Lots of reasons for that, but it clearly has an impact on my ability to be a good lover, or even to find someone to be a mediocre lover with, even as it amps up the need for connection.
The point is that I'm in some way hungry, which has its ups and downs. I don't have much of a support network for this kind of thing; and forraging seems a dubious plan when the most attractive people I come into contact with are waitresses and bartenders, who (it's pretty safe to assume) don't really want to hear about it. Oh well. I suppose I can meditate. Fish or cut bait. Fish or cut bait. Fish or cut bait. I wanna do something (someone?) new. I wanna do someone (something?) right.
