I've been sort of sleepwalking through life lately, my soul sort of elsewhere. I'm feeling my energy down at a low ebb, little interest in trying to make good connections with people, little interest in trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
In practical terms everything is great. I've been having a wonderful summer seeing lots of friends and living a kind of life I find deeply appealing. I've been carrying on a somewhat successful trans-continental romance. I've found my way back into free agency on the work front. All this is good, and yet it's also somehow not enough -- perhaps I'm not enough: insufficiently present, decisive, focused, etc.
There's no easy explanation for any of this. I'll think sometimes it's the pabst or the hash or all the rich food, and then I'll live clean and feel about the same only maybe a little more bored. I do know that exercise helps, and that I've felt this way before, and that this too shall pass, and so I'm not really worried... just trying to explain where I am.
It feels difficult to maintain a conscience in this modern world, to reconcile this with ambition. I want my sparky vigor back, my sense of what's true. I'm tired of getting old.
So the site is going dark for a bit. This'll be the last wordpress post. In addition to not writing anything here, I'll also not be reading any of my usual political blogs or any news online. It's a bad habit of mine. Being informed is great, but there's a kind of compulsiveness to my informational multitasking. I've been practicing this today and I can feel the moments where I think "hmmm, maybe I'll check Atrios" and I can feel the energy that can be re-channeled there.
It's fun to feel like I'm a part of this big online politlcal conversation, and it's an important conversation that's really happening, but the truth is that at this point I'm mostly spectating, and I think there might be better uses of my time. So media-wise I'll probably be out there with the rest of you, catching up via NPR and scanning the headlines at the grocery store.
I'm also going to be back in NYC for Aug 22-29, staying with the transatlantic romance. Should be interesting and certainly will be fun.
Look for something new in early September, maybe some video hits before then if the spirit moves me.