As I finish packing to head back out to New York, still weak with some virus or bacteria, I'm feeling reflective in a way I haven't been in a long time. Nostalgic for past loves, easier times. I find myself more and more estranged from the things that matter to me and starting to really buy those cheap military metaphors for politics. Campaigning is ugly business, and not much fun sits in store for you when you go to be a solder.
So here I sit, a chap who's doing his best to defy the right-wing revolution, sifting back through memories of 2, 4 even 7 or 8 years ago. It's a lot to deal with, childhoods end. I don't want to give up playing, don't want to give up innocent dreams. And I don't want to give up wanderlust and whimsy and lazy days either, but I have; at least for the time being.
The real question that nags at me is where this all leads. Why am I doing what I do and what will it all mean in 6 months, a year? Where will I live and how will I spend my time? Will I have any better stories to tell? Will I feel more accomplished, more at home, more alive? I'm out of groove here; bouncing across the vinyl, or maybe I'm too deep in, to rutted. The work being done is good and important, but on some fundimental level it isn't me, not quite, not yet. This single-mindedness is not to my liking.
So many things left to do, left to explore, left to unearth, uncover, depths left to plumb. How to swing it; how to travel the world, advance my career (whatever that means), ameleorate my debts, reconnect with friends and family, enrich my knowledge, find love again, make new connections, start building the foundations for a full adult life, and still have time for stupid hijinks and fun. It all seems too much, yet anything less seems a cop-out.
I haven't been philosophizing much lately, just getting hung up with work and petty concerns. I haven't written anything really good, anything remotely dangerous, in a long time. It's time to get back to basics, methinks. If you don't change the direction you're headed, you're liable to end up where you're going.