So the question before me, again, is what I want to do with my life. What are the things I want? I want happiness; happiness without remorse. That means, love, community, purpose. That means challenge. I don't know why I have this kind of insatiable, depraved drive for challenge. At various times I've felt near these things I say will give me happiness in my life, but it's never enough. It's never Everything.
Why do I chase Everything? It is my own death-wish perverse five-x brand of the American Dream? I'm not seeking dominion or fame or even fortune per se, just a sane place for myself in a community of peers in a civilization that's not going to collapse under the weight of its own thermodynamic excess. Is that too much to ask?
I'd like to see the world. I'd like to regain my self-respect. I'd like to be amazed again, to be agape at the world. I'd like to get my mind off the doomsday cycle, get into the divine fantastic again. I can imagine a great feathered future where romance is still the kind of thing that goes with a quick pulse and dizzy-quick flashes of human brilliance. The highest achievement of existence.
All these things swirl around my head on a windy, frigid thursday evening in New York. They're like ghosts, my memories of my dreams. You hear that, future? We're coming. That's what I thought, anyway.
It's true that I'm tired and worn out, that I'm still coping with feelings of failure and betrayal on something of a spiritual level. I'd just like something to believe in again. The crisis of meaning is huge. I still know how to do good things for other people, for causes and lovers and friends who need a hand, but I'm flummoxed at what to do on my own account. It's a dangerous situation, being without personal desire. Despair, depression and depravity are looming.
I revisit Praxis, this lengthy bit of writing I did two years ago when I was in a similar position. It all seems right still, and I'm not sure whether to be happy for the truth of my course or concerned that I'm spinning my wheels. I feel I aughtta get some more perspective. I still believe I can do just about anything I set my sights on. The question is where can I set those sights sharp and true. It remains an open issue.
