"Undermining my electoral viability since 2001."

Thankful Night

Goddamnit I want to go deep. I'm feeling all charged up, filled with turkey, yes, but hardly down for the count. I am full.

I want to talk about it and work on it. I want to find a stronger peer group for my pursuits; currently worry about boring my friends with my latest revelation, realizing the distance the exists with "normal people" when I stray into my specific interests.

Also worry that being kind of pent-up leads me to have weaker human ties... my heart's not not always in it to try and overcome that social distance. I'm impatient. The pent-up ball of energy and thought becomes an impediment to normal being. It burns away much of my ease, consumes my capacity to listen. Needs expression.

In my head it's all connected to girls. The romantic barometer weighs heavy on my overall mood, and my luck and fortune with the ladies figures deep into my own personal Tarot, my sense of momentum. Clearly I'm back into looking. It's a more purposeful kind, but it's still looking.

Oh how I long for some pillow-talk. Is that too much to ask? Hot oral sex and pillow-talk? Seems like a decent place to start.

I remain a romantic at heart. I believe in that internal gyroscope, that sensor of momentum. I want it to go crazy, wild so's I can feel it; one of the reasons I've always been so in love with velocity. Speed itself conjures forces, but that's not enough anymore. I'm looking for the long run here. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

But it's getting better all the time. It helps to write about life, and in addition to getting back into autobio-blogging, I'm working on reviving my correspondence -- the better to fan old flames from afar, you letch... what, like there's anything wrong with that? -- and trying to dig into my professional tangle of ideas through other outlets. Writing works.

I'm good at it and it's good to me, and I have enough belief in humanity, myself, and the power of communication and connection to think that doing all this writing, putting all this out there, is a positive thing all around.

Thus enteth the self-pep-talk.


I completely understand your perspective. I two have considered put away my childish 1's and 0's. Unfortunately, finding a or the "right-one" is a herculean task. If pillow talk and blow jobs will be an appropriate salve, I suggest focusing in on the temp fix and hope for the best. If there truly is a "one and only someone" for everyone, then it could hurt to meet as many someones as you can in an effort to better the odds.
Sorry, I wish I had better/different advice.

in the end, doesn't it always seem like unfullfillment without it? i've come to this conclusion myself lately... there can be a number of other measurements of success that just ain't worth a damned without the person-to-person relationship (for however it suits you) being one of them.

otherwise, a lifelong objective to remain impersonal on this front would just be easy and satisfying.

Indeed, Janene. One of the things I've broadly come to believe is that the only way we as people (or at least I as a person) appreciate lasting satisfaction is in relation to other people. That goes for love, sex, community, friendship, achievement, responsibility, the whole works. I don't get off on material things, and the only reason I can think of to do anything is because it connects to other people at some point in a way I think is good. We're not robots after all.

I believe in math too much to think there's an individual who's the right "one" for me. If I'm being honest, I've probably run through (or rather, away from) three or four good chances in my young and reckless life. How many more cards do I get to play? I suppose essentially infinite, but it's a weary thing, looking. Takes a lot out of a man.

Also, JDirty, image-management compels me to note that when I say, "hot oral sex" I'm not just saying "blowjob." That's part of it, but I'm a staunch believer (as are we all) in reciprocity. That helps with the pillow-talk too.