Sunlight breaks through the fog, the clouds lift, and the earth practically reeks of fertility. I roll down my pickup window on the safety corridor, letting the air waft up off the newly re-greened median divider and ease my troubled mind.
Things have been better lately; getting a little more balance in life, and starting to trust in The Others to do their thing at the office. That's an important thing for improving the overall outlook. Letting some of the weight fall. On the downside, the little muscle spasm that's been intermittently but persistently troubling my right eye has expanded its territory down to my right tricep, a much more noticeable flutter when it crops up. Seems like a bad sign.
Sometimes I wonder if this context really argues for taking my first real Time Off and going to a balls-out bacchanal in the Black Rock Desert. But wow, I'm sick of doubt. No more second-guessing, just forward progress.
As someone close said to me a few nights ago, it's hard being talented and gifted. I laugh that kind of thing off -- forbearance against deadly Hubris, doncha know? -- but it's undeniably true that those of us with pronounced personal expectations and ostensible potential have a tougher time finding our grove. There's always more, and it's never enough.
Still, I don't buy into the maxim that being smart means being unhappy. Maybe it's harder being complex and questioning, but I believe in that ol' Pyramid of Human Needs, and that gettin' up on it is the road to wellness. I have this sense that finding spiritual or moral or philosophical clarity, a Big Purpose, will give me a leg up, and that's what I reach for. Perhaps I just want something to sweep me away, but the lack makes it a struggle to stay energized -- driven on only by base greed, external responsibilities, other non-ideal sources of motivation.
The most important thing is to stop struggling. I dream of an easier life in a sunnier place, but still perched by the sea. I dream of simplicity, of small joy, of early retirement from the fields of contest. I dream a different dream of being in the flow again, juicing with the universe, wheeling and dealing at the top of my game, a whirl of motion five moves ahead but inside still as a god, gyroscopically sound, watching the celestial spheres rotate around me to tunes sung by angels. Contradictory dreams, I know, but what else is new.
Last night I had fun, out to dinner by the beach with great meal-sharing and bottles of Barbera. Truly, it was the Moonstone Serenity, and we were the beautiful people. Waiting on someone's cab back to town we had an impromptu dance-party in the parking lot, and me and the Roller Queen rode atop K-Dog's truck on the way up the hill back to the house, gripping the lumber rack and letting the wind blow through our hair like great post-modern charioteers. It was an adventure, a deep sip of freedom.
This morning while drinking my coffee I fell in on the couch where a cheesy movie was playing, and was somewhat embarrassed to find myself emotionally touched by Deep Impact, a tres-hollywood apocalyptic action/drama from the '90s. Perhaps in addition to that Great Purpose I also have a need for family, for belonging, for a community, compassion, human caring. Feels about right, me being at arms-length from just about everything lately.
Let the distances collapse. Let things run their course. Let the sun shine.