"Undermining my electoral viability since 2001."

Days in the Life

It's been a pretty good week overall. Not without some troubles, but for the most part they are challenges which have been overcome. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting a good pace going. So, here's a step through where things are at:

This has been the biggest weight on my mind lately. We're getting very close to having a truly stable business, but it's (as I've mentioned) a very two steps forward/one step back kind of affair. I've been struggling with my responsibilities. I handle a lot of the day-to-day organization and scheduling of the work that we do -- taskmaster stuff -- in addition to taking on the harder Drupal coding. I've also got more business experience than my partner, so I tend to have the skeptical/devil's advocate role in those discussions.

I'm not used to being in a position like this, and it's definitely a learning experience figuring out peer-leadership. It's good though, because that's the future.

It hasn't been helping that lately we've been under external pressures. Matt had a run-in with the muni track on his bike, and he's been laid up for the past couple weeks. Has a screw in his wrist. Luckily the man has his own health coverage; we're still about a month away from providing.

Then there was tax day, which is never fun, and at the beginning of the month we lost a big high-profile client before we managed to get started, which was a bummer. Things are picking up, but it's hard with a man down. These are a challenges I'm confident we'll overcome, but it definitely adds tension, and just as I'm coming to appreciate how important it is to keep a cool head.

On the upside, one of our projects was launched as a partnership with Wired, which is a feather in our cap. We also got ourselves a nice office space, and as I said things are looking pretty good for May.

From the volunteer end of my business, there's a video of the presentation I did on the Drupal Dojo at OCSMS 2007:

It's about 50 minutes long, and I imagine it's sort of boring for most people. I watched the whole thing through, and as an Actor I'm pretty embarrassed by the performance: it's a self-centered yet rambling spiel with really poor use of gesture. I really should have prepared better; have to remember that for next time. Anyway, if you're very curious about the stuff that I do on Sunday mornings (I'm looking at you, mom) it does explain things.

I'm settled back in Westhaven, which I like better than being on the road, but which has its own drawbacks. Especially coming back from NYC, it feels slow and sort of lonely. I've been running different scenarios through my mind of spending large parts of the summer down in the Bay area, which would be a good thing for the career and maybe for my social soul, but I really don't want to move and am skeptical of leading a split life.

The latter is starting to feel possible though, splitting time. If I had my own place down there -- nothing fancy, just a crashpad that was actually my own -- it could be doable. It could be a lifestyle, doing two weeks in the Bay, then coming back to the HC for a taste of what summer is all about, maybe some more heady yoga at the center. It could become a whole integrated thing.

My real challenge remains coming out of my shell in this new life. Similarly to my struggling with role at work, I'm still not 100% myself here. The onset of spring is getting me a little more open, but I still don't have the tall-walking kind of confidence that I feel deep down is possible and necessary.

It occurs to me that a meta theme is the challenge of taking my youthful and optimistic enthusiasm, hanging on to that, but tempering it with my experience. Once again, getting into this whole gown up thing on my own terms.

There's nothing really happening here still. I'm pretty physically isolated, both literally and figuratively; adrift on the seas of celibacy. I try not to whine about it though. Hope springs eternal. Spring's a beautiful season. I'm not that old yet!

As per my last couple posts, I still pay a lot of attention to this. I didn't see tonight's debate, but I heard it was bland with the exception of a very feisty Mike Gravel. This is what I expect from the mainstream, and it's sort of depressing. I'm still waiting for any one of the contenders to show some verve, but I'm not holding my breath. My sense is that the heat will have to be up several more notches before there can be any breakouts. Good politics takes pressure, it seems.

As for the present, what can you say? Congress passed a bill containing language about a timeline for ending the occupation of Iraq, and even though this is what most Americans now want, Bush is going to veto it. Cocksucker.

My new favorite read is Rick Perlstein, who's covering the nuts and bolts of what "conservative government" has meant for us, in addition to war and political corruption that would make Nixon blush. He uncovers a seedy world where the rich get ritcher while the rest of us get collapsing streets and feces in the food supply. No really. That's what he blogs about. It's awesome.

Finally, the abject failure of the Press to act as a watchdog is now utterly clear (thanks to Bill Moyers). The video behind that link is a lot more interesting, if also depressing, than my little ego-trip above. If you're scratching your head and wondering how we got into Iraq in the first place, clicky clicky. As per what I said about good politics requiring pressure, these people are supposed to be on the frontlines there. Not so much, it turns out. Pity.

In Conclusion
Well, this sort of sums it up. I'm suffering from a moderate case of writers block; got lots to say but can't really crack the cork, all part of my current shrinking violet phase, it seems. Feels like it's getting better though.


About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 1994, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages [England & Australia]. God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].

Peace Be With You