"Undermining my electoral viability since 2001."

Dark Circles

Well, slow blogging of late because I've been pouring most of my psychic fuel into work. This month looks to be a record-breaker for those precious billable hours (oh, if only they were denominated in euros, or better yet barrels of crude oil), and it's a good thing to be operating at Full Capacity, but it's also a bit stressful. Not that I've been doing anything all that important with my spare time over the past few months that I regret curtailing, but shifting to 10-to-12-hour days is darkening the circles under my eyes, and drawing forth a great buried longing for true wild big-city-style partytime.

Honestly, I haven't worked this hard since I moved out here, and the old mantra of "working hard, playing harder" is untested here in the HC. It's been more like "work an honest day, then relax and maybe take a hot tub." Different frequencies and extremities of oscillation, you know? How to cut loose and balance all the grindstone-nosing? Getting drunk, eating a huge meal and watching tv isn't quite it. This is a good question for me to get into. It's part of who I am -- the lighter side of workaholism is that I often have a lot of fun under pressure -- and it's a welcome challenge to try and figure out. No gray hair yet, so I'm happy to keep experimenting.

In general it feels like things are starting to move well. Last week I got an unexpected email from my Father, saying he was in town on his way to San Diego, asking me if I could meet for breakfast. I haven't seen or spoken too him since early 2004, which has been a sort of background-noise stress for me. It wasn't like we had some kind of fight or falling out. He just pulled away, and I still don't completely understand why except that it has to do with him being upset that he wasn't a bigger factor in my life, something about the gap between expectations and reality. Regardless of the past few years of estrangement, I'm glad he finally reached out and we've re-established relations.

Things are coming unstuck all over though. I've been fighting work for a while, but have recently started embracing the whole thing again. The most important thing is to stop struggling. As much as I lament the hassle and the responsibility, it really is pretty cool to be rolling as a respected community-member in Drupal -- which is basically a model for the revolution -- and also making money and having a sweet office and starting a fixie bike sideline, generally being the master of my own domain at the tender age of 28. Maybe we'll do a mil before I hit the big three-oh. That would be another box to check I guess.

But really the point is I'm starting to enjoy it more, starting to believe that it's a real thing that will actually work rather than a house of cards waiting to collapse at any moment. We're going to build out this office and we should have a real high-class operation in another year. That'll be nice. For now it's more time-and-a-half, but in the long run it's worth it.

Also tingling my spider-sense is an increased rate of activity with The Ladies™. Nothing in particular has happened -- the spell of celibacy remains unbroken -- but I'm feeling more and more the eligible bachelor, and even maybe beginning to believe that I've got some prospects on this side of the continent. I'm still flighty and skittish for the most part -- ducking and dodging what in latter days I might have pursued with relish -- but even within that evasive mode of operation I feel I'm a sharp enough observer of the world to know I'm starting to get my mojo workin' again.

This is important to me, as honestly my biggest complaint about life is the overall loneliness. So I like having pen-pals in Portland and chatting up union-organizing ladies on the last BART back to El Cerrito (even if I do demure and let them walk home alone). I like meeting techy girls and women with masters degrees (mmmm... brains...).

It's interesting moving back "on the scene" because it tells me a lot about myself and what I want and what I'm confident about and what I'm not. Clearly, I've been spoiled by my years in NYC, and I can't just troll for hits and expect that to work out. Also clearly, I don't have much interest in girls (as opposed to women, cue the Prince riff) and strength/toughness is a must. These depths you only plumb in the cold and lonely days when you're trying to find that queen of all your dreams. It's not necessarily a lot of fun in the moment -- lovesick, driftin' -- but the journey is most likely worth it, or at least so far I believe. And anyway, it's not like I have a whole lot of choice in this.

These things wear on me from time to time. I still have no vision for the purpose, the crisis of meaning running stronger than ever, but I'm feeling more and more optimistic about the Konezone day-to-day. There's a lot to do between now and the end of the year, maybe a lighter sleep schedule than normal, darker circles under the eyes. But whatever. You only get one life. Best get the most from it.

Responses

Good to hear that the Father person reconnected with you.
I think all parents have semi-conscious expectations they lay upon their children.. which can clearly become parental mistake. I remember the disappointment that Gramma Madeline felt when she realized that I really didn't want to go out into the field and forest to hunt and kill animals the same as my father so often did. (I have old pictures of my uncle and my father posing in front of 20 or 30 raccoons they had shot through the night, now all nailed up on the side of a shed, with them posing for the camera, shotguns and bloodhounds by their sides.)
Expectations (often hidden) come with the territory of being a parent... little realizing that kids actually have minds and desires of their own (that they in turn will try to press upon their offspring).
The beat goes on.

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