The following submission was made by the Girth to his soon-to-be alma matter in reponse to solicitations of interest for speechafying at graduation:
Statement of Interest In Graduation Speech
Hastings, baby, you know you want me to give that speech. Why wouldn't you? You're not afraid I'll make fun of you for being sell-out greedy soulless corporate hacks are you? You don't think I'd ridicule those of you who are just whiny ineffectual do-gooders? Come on, Hastings, baby you know I ain't like that. What? Are you still mad about that time when we got drunk together? Sweetheart, sometimes a headbutt means I love you. I wouldn't get up there in front of thousands of people and say some alarming crass politically dissident shit that might cause your republican grandma to have a heart attack.. For real this time, I've changed.
Ok fine, I'm sorry I puked on your floor, there I said it. Are you happy now? And as for the other thing, it didn't happen the way you heard, dude seriously, your sister came on to me. Whatever, I'm sick of trying to convince you. You're just going to vote for some cheesedick who promises to get up there and talk about all the friends he made and professors he respected, blah blah blah. That's not how I roll. I keep it real son. My speech will be so goddamn funny, Jesus Christ would laugh at the blasphemy, if his hands weren't nailed to a fucking piece of wood. Hastings, you ain't got the balls to vote for me.
Naturally he has been invited to speak to the class of 2006. Commencement is May 21st.