Outlandish Sex Stories

Booty Fables

For whatever reason, I seem to often become the subject of embarassing sex stories. While these are grounded in fact, they are almost completely fictional in their telling. In the tradition of reclaiming the word, I will now debunk a couple of the (in)famous outlandish booty fables.

The "Tall Blonde Bitch"
This is actually funny. The subject is my first bonafide one night stand. I was living in the east village on 10th st with Christina, Melissa, Jill and Frank. We had a nice apartment and would throw parties now and then. One time we threw a party as a benefit for a show that Christina was in (The Visit).

It was just getting big and loud when our super showed up, yelling at us and threatening to evict everyone if we didn't close it down. So we did. Almost everyone left, and we were stuck with a question of 'what to do' for the rest of the night. Someone floated the idea of going to the Sly Fox, a dive bar a few blocks away on second ave. I was already a little plastered on some fake absynthe ("absente") I had gotten for kicks, so I decided this was a good idea. BTW: don't buy this unless you really like that flavor. I still have the remainder of the bottle six months later.

Long story short, I ran into a tallish blonde chick there who was kind of crazy. I remember that after I said "hi" to her, she grabbed my hand and put it on her tit. I wasn't that drunk, so I had some beers and cavorted a bit. Later on when we were getting ready to split, I was that drunk, and Emily (frank's special lady) conviced this chick to come back to the pad with us. One thing led to another, and...

The story comes from what the blonde lady did in bed. This was the first tumble for me in a while, so I was all fired up and zealous. She was finding it hard to keep quiet and was feeling self conscious about it, so she placed a pillow over her face. Fine, right? Everyone loves a little pillow biting. Later on in the proceedings, the pillow came off and things were getting loud again, and we were in such a position that she didn't have her arms free. So at her request I lightly tossed the pillow back over her head.

The actual act, while psychologically important as a streak-breaker, was a little less than fantastic. I was really out of it. In fact the next day I was sick like a dog (can you say "projectile-vomiting"?). But, when I related the story to my friends, they thought it was hillarious. In there retelling, I savagely smothered the poor submissive woman, saying, "take it, take it, you tall blonde bitch!"

This still provides them with hours of entertainment.

Ei, ei, ei, no... yes!
After seeing a foreign love scene in with the lady said, "ei ei" instead of "oh oh", I remarked to my friend Emily (same as above) that it was a much sexier sound for a lady to make in bed. I also remarked to her at a later date (I thought in confidance) that it turned me on one time when a chick said, "no" in the midst of cumming.

Emily being the wonderful woman that she is put these together, and ever since they make fun of my predilections by mockingly moaning, "ey, ey, ey, noooo... yes!"

I hope you're amused. (back to sex)