Blog withdrawl. It's been an interesting thing. I miss this outlet. It makes me feel disconnected. Energy that would get radiated out through this -- admitedly imperfect -- filter just circles back around inside. Maybe it stagnates; maybe it tenderizes; maybe under pressure it turns into a rich source of future-fuel like so much algae crushed under a sea-bed for ten million years.

Time will tell.

I have not done much of the work I want to do on this old website, although I have done a few sketches, and the other night I went back and looked through all the (digital) photos I've taken in the past five years. Art, bikes, friends, loves, trips, work, play... it's all there. Not all of it, but a comprehensive representative sample. A lot of things I miss.

I was back home last weekend, helping my mom out, and she sort of straight-up told me that I sounded like I needed to have more fun. Like you might think, I resisted this assessment initially, but after thinking about it for a second I couldn't disagree. It's something to consider.

More soon? Lets hope so. Wild bohemian values.

The crisis of meaning is upon us again, and it's back with a vengeance. A lonesome vengeance, to be specific, the kind that hasn't been around in a long while.

Taking a look back at the old Love page, we can see where my life left off three years ago, misspellings and all. Sigh.

The present moment feels most like 2002:

I'm after the other thing: the harder thing: the thing where you find someone you like and you make something between the two of you over time. And I don't know how to get that happening other than wait and see.

The trouble is "wait and see" is a very boring and unsatisfying strategy. It leaves one feeling rather powerless and at the mercy of the cosmos.

I'm not the same person I was at the age of 23, and I'm not in the same environment either -- not by a long shot -- but I remember what that felt like and it's close to what I feel now.

One response has been that I'm going back through my history, wondering about the ones that got away, or more often that I got away from and later regretted. This is a debatable thing to get into, rummaging through the old files. It can feel weak and crutch-like, but you might look up long-lost connections on myspace and find something that strikes a spark. I think it all comes down to the spirit of the thing. Also, there's that bit about learning from history -- and purely as a matter of science one can't rule out a blast from the past being the ticket to ride.

The point, though, is that there's a kind of emotional turbulence that's not been around in some time. Strange feelings are brewing inside the Konezone. Gut feelings; questions without answers that lead to whistful stares into the rain. Vulnerability and instability too. I don't know where (or when) The One will come from, but I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm pushing for it or stressing it, it's not gonna happen.

Fucking annoying, that.