Talk On Hubirs

I am returned to my Redwood hideout after a harrowing run through hilly country in 99-degree weather with a failing radiator. Unlike my other theft-related automotive troubles, this has probably been an issue for some time, but obscured by the mild temperatures of coastal Norte Norte California. Still, I made it, with only one minor steam-burn and a new-found confidence in my understanding of the 22R engine’s cooling system.

Good to be back at home, and set about the task of organizing the Next Big Push. I’ve got a month before I take a little mini summer vacation to Oregon, and there’s a lot to be put in order.

On the immediate personal front, one thing for sure is I need to get back into the gym. My recent struggle with Sciatica sort of put me on a very low-impact physical schedule, but after riding a bike a little in SF last week, and discovering previously that stretching and massage were effective treatments, it feels like the kind of thing that needs to be worked through. Plus I feel the metabolic buffering around my midsection. Plus I crave the psychologically side-beneficial stress-relief that tends to come from running the robot at high rpms.

More broadly, the search for my true life’s purpose and some Gold Dust Woman continues; finding the ideal life/work balance, both in time and focus, and groping for the plot outlines of the movie of my life. While I’m momentarily overworked and looking forward to a little leisure time in the Summer sun, I know the scope of my ambitions and nature are such that I’ll never find true or lasting happiness in repose.

At the same time, as per my previous post below, the grind eventually brings out the worst in me, which tends to be the case with all of us monkeys. Arrogance and its concomitant small-minded frustrations are a quick flip-side to sustained peak performance under duress. So let’s talk about that a bit.

First of all, this is normal. It’s like anything: in order to keep your head up under non-ideal circumstance, your self-opinion hardens a bit. Unfortunately this lends itself to a big-picture-unhelpful sort of sneering, the Pride which cometh before the Fall.

This is commonly exemplified in my industry and among various practitioners of the hard arts as a sort of nerdly machismo. You get it from deep-thinking coders who’ve lost (or never learned) the patience to effectively communicate or coordinate on an organic level. You also get it from people who got rich and/or who are highly compensated for their time; this condescending certitude and impatience with the little people.

Indeed, operating as we do in a capitalist society, being paid hundreds of dollars an hour — or some other, larger multi-millionaire-making equivalent — can quickly warp ones perceptions. Think of the way a VC snaps his or her fingers in the midst of a pitch (“I get it, move on”) or the way a Producer dismisses an auditioning actor or presenting screenwriter in the first sixty seconds. These are the stereotypical behaviors of the overweening elite, and while I’m no fan of having my time wasted or wasting other people’s time, and sometimes even dare consider myself to be an elite individual, I believe the arrogant confidence that drives these kinds of action is ugly and dangerous.

Moral/aesthetic underdog-loving considerations aside, and moving beyond general maxims about the corrupting nature of power, I think it’s important to note that being inflexibly and domineeringly self-assured is nearly always counter-productive from the all important perspective of getting shit done. Winning arguments is usually a distraction, and haughty attitudes poisonous to the kind of conjoint peer-productivity that’s required for any substantial undertaking these days.

Not to mention that if you think you’re always right, you’re probably factually wrong. Even in out in the 99.9th percentile, which you have to be pretty bullish on yourself to even consider, you’re just one in a thousand. You may grow accustomed to being the proverbial Smartest Girl or Guy in the Room, but you are still wrong or misinformed or ignorant with regard to Very Many Things, nevermind our universal human impotence in the face of the myriad Unknown Unknowns which cloud around our every decision. Indeed, unless you operate in a legitimately very small world — which we of the internet by definition cannot — there are plenty of people at or beyond your level, with better (or at least different and still accurate) perspective, who are right in many of the ways that you are wrong. For the sake of the species as well as your own pet project, you’re well advised to keep that in mind.

In my experience, real wisdom is complex. It flows from intelligence and a strong grasp of axiomatic principles, leveraged into a mastery of various domains of knowledge, but also tempered with the humility of experience and driven by the honest curiosity of an innocent. One must never cease to wonder, for this is a beautiful thing.

To the contrary, the hardening of smarts into sneering certitude is a great loss. As I said, it’s generally the result of great outside pressure — think of the life of Cheney, really, the actual life; the years of paranoia, ladder-climbing, back-stabbing, skeleton-stashing… it becomes possible to have some sympathy for the man, if not his actions. Yes, life is unfair, but this sort of thing is a tragedy, one for which responsibility must be borne by the individual (or organization; groupthink being the multiparty equivalent here) in question.

The real problem in practice is that there’s quite a fine line between the kind of confidence required of real edge-pushing leadership in the world and the kind hubris which the ancient Athenians regarded as a crime. What’s more, it’s virtually impossible to discern the contours of this boundary from inside the thing. Rational perspective is rare and fleeting. Much to the chagrin of economists and engineers everywhere, all available evidence illustrates the fact that such deeply human processes are intensely and inevitably emotional, sometimes even spiritual, unquestionably subjective and mercurial.

But modern life continues to revolve around choices. All of this rambling think-chew is just prologue to the moment of decision. It’s your existence, after all, and you can do what you want. No-one is going to dignify your life for you. Some take strength from outside sources, literal leaders or role models to follow. Others take bold and risky steps on their own, eschewing tradition and offering new trails to those that come behind.

For my part I’m in the latter camp, even though I clearly don’t know (or don’t clearly know) the destination. I feel ok with this because I have good friends and faith that it’s the habits of action that add up to beliefs, and that you can approach this tangle from either end of things. Singular events — from vision quests to elections of presidents — may be the result of long and arduous struggle, but inflection points matter because they lay down new patterns. Otherwise it’s just a party. Patterns being the thing, you can get pretty far along your footpath to the revelation by repeatedly doing right and keeping an open mind. One step at a time.

Redolent with potential I walk this earth alone, seeking the key to unlocking myself, to be a king unburdened by his kingdom. For as the song says rulers make bad lovers, and only in my fully radiant and footloose flower will I ever come upon the crazy brain-sex I so richly deserve. And so I strive to stand at my full height, head up, heart open, to see the mysteries and miracles of the universe unfold.