you think WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too hard about this.
until you accept that women have flaws, you'll never settle down, and because you want marriage and children in your future, i'd encourage you take notes on the following:
you have an extremely unfair and unrealistic perception of how love is and should be. (very similar to your arch-nemesis in NYC)
you acknowledge the silliness of your fantasies in your posts, but you still expect it and look for it, and disappoint yourself with an imaginary lifestyle.
the women you date undoubtedly see flaws in you that they would rather not deal with, but they date you anyway because they LIKE you, but i'm sure they intuitively can feel that you are not ready, and it makes them insecure to want to continue on with you, thus the downward spiral and the feelings of unfulfilled gratification occur, and the end of the relationship. if you like someone, you like their conversations, and you like their sex, why do you think you are so special as to get something better than that? how and where do you think love flourishes? it is time; lots of it. and you are wasting it if you want a deep commitment.
there is normally nothing better for a love to last and endure than it being with a friend, cultivated from a friendship, because a friend is someone who is there for you for the bad times, too. like if you sever a limb, or become a drunk till your liver explodes, or become a vegetable, so get the thought of excluding someone who you know cares about you that much, straight out of your head this instant! or just stay single, and mooch off your friends and family if that should happen.
i sense you are feeling guilty about your fickleness and desires, but at the same time don't ever want to give it up (your other set of brains doesn't want to anyway). if that is the case, embrace who you are, accept that you want more than one woman in your life (perhaps move to utah) and be the womanizer you want to be.
stop fighting it. there's no sense. it's too stressful to pretend you are some one you would admire to be, when you are clearly not. yes, you can look-up to specific behaviors, but not if it's all just a bunch of pretty, hollow words.
you didn't take your girl out on valentine's day because you think it's some power thing or something? fuck that! who needs you as a boyfriend or husband with that kind of nonsense floating in your head! let that crap go, it's childish and LAME AS HELL. if you really didn't like her, then you should have just broken up with her before then. that day was NOT about you. (let me be clear about this, when you are in a relationship, a special day or doing something with someone you love/like is not ever about the self. it is about the other person, that applies to both people involved, and that is what love is. do it because she wants it, not because you have some rotten, bottle-sucking hang-up about it. how selfish! marriages and long term relationships are about selfLESSness)
if you ever told her you love her, then setting your ego aside for one little tiny day would have proven that to her. because you didn't, it proved otherwise (that you love yourself more), so no wonder she was pissed at you. don't treat women like that, and don't give some crap reply saying that there was more to the relationship than that. obviously there wasn't, and that's why it should have ended before an event that involves a standard of expectations.
life is not as big a power struggle as you say it is. YOU have made it that way for yourself.
the reason sex is becoming less important for you, i'm sure has to do with a declining sex drive coupled with an increased conscience and awareness of its effects on the woman you are with... or that you are starting to feel what (many of) us gals have always felt, that it's not worth it unless you really care about the other person. i'm under the impression from a few men i have spoken to that when they say they care about a woman, they care more about how guilty they feel when the woman has been hurt. this is not the same as caring about someone on a deeper level. think about what you would want for your best friend, and if you don't think that you could put that much energy to a girl you're dating, then you do not care for or love them. you merely know they exist. don't trap women into thinking they have a chance at a future with you, by telling them anything other than that you are dating only casually, even if the initial feelings are powerful. saying "i love you" without knowing you can have their feelings and their best interests as your priority over your own, is a horrible thing to do to someone, and i'd love to one day see legislature against it, because it feels absolutely criminal and emotionally crippling to those of us that have experienced it.
i'm sure this is all very offensive, but i roll my eyes at that notion.
you are no one special, you're just like everybody else, and these rules apply to everyone; men and women alike.
you have your big words and your philosophical ideals, but you can't live them, so what good do they do?
words are just words.
DO what you know is the right thing "even when it seems unpleasant and hard, especially when it [IS] unpleasant and hard", don't just spew it around like oral diarrhea, cause that's all it will amount to unless you can live it, too.
become who you are, embrace your self.
then you will be loved, and fulfilled.
sorry to have been so mean, but it's the purest of truths i could ever tell someone.
it's called tough love, bro.
and i DO care. i would like to see you happy one day, but what you wrote in this post tells me you have not found the way just yet.